LOST

We are all lost, for many, many vivid, unjustifiable reasons & in epiphany for happiness, we are lost.

We are not lost just because we wanted to but because were already lost & we continued.

From shining juvenile to greyed skin & faces with history we are all lost in fine toned skin to wrinkles.

Some were lost in great wars, did not wanted to but were lost in war we don’t know about

Some were lost in quest of finding answers between humanity, insanity & contemporaneity.

When the answers were discovered, people were lost in illusion & continuity of disbeliefs.

 

We were lost in realm of finding distance between stars, suns & moons for some lost reasons.

When distances were found, arbitrary were discovered, people were lost again in the galaxies

Standing on land we knew the stars & aliens but distance between two humans were lost.

Families were separated, nation became nations, relations & society got lost in jungles & swamps.

Dictators were lost in their autocracies, people were lost finding democracies, and a free man was lost.

Ultimately the disbelief was lost, a framed freedom was lost cause home were lost & dreams were lost.

 

We were lost presenting agendas and making ourselves in the first place for lost proud & legacies.

When confrontation was done whole idea of manifestation were lost, sense of caring were lost.

We were in illusion of being found but again our human phenomenon followed again & we were lost

Barbed wire were set up, guns were raised, chariots were ready & in disarray of situation we were lost

We were lost trying to finding directions to camp site to set up camp around our own houses & streams

When huts were made, we were lost in hope of going back to our own houses, which was close but lost.

 

 

 

We smiled & gathered courage for understanding the glams of new world order & slowly lost ourselves

Cars, Banks, Loans, structure made up of money but no love we called home & we were lost in orders.

When one side of earth was rousing inventions, other part was shouting in pain and balances was lost.

So many gods, beliefs & its counters were created, we were lost in rampage of destroying our faiths

Some in Machiavelli’s Price way, lost between the do’s & do not’s & order of harmony was lost

Oppressors also were the helpers, proxy with ironies & we were lost in questions of who, why & whose?

 

States scale of progress became a fulcrum game & we were lost in ups & downs with fluid weights

Legacy of our intolerance continued, we never settled for anything or we never wanted on lost grounds

We were & are happy in giving life to metals but are lost & lousy in attempting some basis of humans

Computations & applications mushroomed at the price of getting lost in them not in real human affairs

In the game of multi sitting fulcrum now, we are lost in something we had at least illusion of finding

We were never born to be found, always lost in cycle, we are & were always lost in finding what we are for.

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Another Seek

It’s not that I don’t write, I do write whatever I feel like writing. It can be about my vivid experiences, which can be worldly experience or can be my own sentiment, my own faints, and my own illusions. My write ups sometime & so many time ends up in mobile notes , gets deleted later ,on small pieces of paper which goes to  bin unnoticed  and  sticky notes gets trashed unnoticed . To sum up my writing habits, I am not very sincere or I am very clumsy or any word thesaurus for phrase “Not Serious”.

My fumble habits have grown so gigantic that, not just the writings but so many good things in different course of my life has lost like I said “unnoticed” and later I realized and lamented over. Anyway, I am writing today and it has already given me a gazillions positive vibes. Sometime my bewildered behavior comes to a halt like a stable horse after massive dose of tranquilizer. But , no weed , hash , cocaine & not even a cigarette , just dust of Kathmandu , an hour in a packed micro bus , hour long traffic jam and some random music they play gave me that dot for some writing. May be this feeling is temporary, like sudden freshness in Kathmandu but at least for today and this very moment when my fingers are moving around the keyboard like Beethoven and Mozart’s composing  tune . I am sorry for taking names of musical maestros but I don’t know who play piano that fine and fast like they do, may be Ray Charles or Adnan Sami does or lady gaga does. Like I said, I do realize things later when some epiphany is made. So, that is my anthem habit. So, a fine F for me by me or C for me (which is Nepali word for F, riddleJ).

After sometime today, I asked for a piece of a paper & pen in the café I visit regularly and took the corner table & started writing. Though being a random seasonal smoker there was a Pilot cigarette right by the side of my cell phone & made promise to myself that I will smoke that tiny cancer bomb after I finish the first page. And, that came up true, I did finished first page and smoked that Pilot like smoking after a long curfew. The exhilaration after competing & winning against your own instincts and grabbing a cigarette is something, people in IT industry and writer knows better.

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I do remember back in 2005, I was in enjoying my vacation in beautiful city of Tansen ,Palpa ,Nepal.  In the lap of Srinagar Hill watching the majestic view of Maadi Phaat ( Maadi Crop Fields ) . The feeling was really astonishing and being alone in the place where my great grandfather were from and not knowing anyone was a vivid and confounding situation for me . Never the less , the Palpali accent, the amalgam of different cultures, races ,communities were enough to keep me captivating and the solitary feeling was short and faded.

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I was strolling around city and then perched on the old bench at the place called Shital Pati & something struck me and for the first time in my life I did started to write in public. I pulled out my school bill & started to write some random Nepali poem. Don’t remember what was it about but I was very much dedicated. After some minutes when I lifted my face I could see people staring at me with very funny & strange eyes. But I didn’t stopped and may be because of my age or my attitude I felt very strange, esteemed and celebrated. That was very unconventional thought but I honestly overjoyed. After that day, place, time ,people around , happenings didn’t mattered , I wrote love poems when I was in hospital caring for my family member , I wrote tragic and humorless poems when people around me were celebrating festivals . But, may be after around a year I wrote on a piece of paper at the café where I usually listen to Pink Floyd, Armin Von Buuren and other artists. Yesterday, it was a different day, music was loud, clouds and round smokes were floating above the mild air. Café regulars and my acquaintances were coming and going out but I was at the corner in my own thoughts and notions.

And today, I realized something that I was always trying to write a perfect thing at least for me, which would simply blow my mind for some moment and with the thoughts that I could console myself, rush to the big mirror in my dining room and give that mild smile with lot of proud.No matter how much time and effort I had put in the write up, if that doesn’t strike me or  if that write up doesn’t make any rational par with writings & literature I read across the internet, I thought that as not perfect for publishing in my blog and in some way I was competing for perfection without go through the process of learning and getting the criticism and concerns for my writings.

So, lesson learned today is that I will be writing so many things in coming days, without taking concern over perfection, without concern over subjects but I will not forget each and every time to revise the work I had done. Till now I don’t know how many subscribers I have in my blog but I do have some in my twitter and there are at least couple of people around me to whom I can say that there is something new in my blog and I will constantly ask for the their views and ask for the constructive or destructive comment, if they like. So all the beautiful people who are at least reading last line of this self-confessing blog. Don’t forget to put some comment, I would appreciate more if you tell me where I should improve.       Have a good time ahead 🙂

 

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To all who are just about to give up?

Want to deliver something to all, who are just about to stop dreaming & shatter

Your time is unlimited & there is so much beyond the horizon to live up & make things better

Just go back & remember the days when you had shut the doors & cried making no sound

Just touch your eyes and ask how it struggled to control the drops coming out of the pores

Ask your point finger how it touched the drops & how it was sparkling like the diamond

And how your thumb touched your lip corner & faced the thumb again with void views

How could you give up, you have so many to answers & you have so many with you

Your bone, your flesh, your fingertips, your vein, everything accompanied you till now.

While the world was there but not there, your every parts were your saviors somehow.

How could you just give up, you are not just you?

 

Remember the dark alleys & subways where you suddenly realized that you are in pain.

Remember how your heart pounded, as the world was just passing across on a different lane

Just close your eyes and remember the pain how it had been hard but the only one by your side

Just ask your knees, how it was there when you wanted to put your hands above it & took long breathe

Just ask your soul how wonderful the talking was when you were lying unparalleled between masses.

And, how you & your legs rested on the bus & railway stations, waiting & believing for the next moves

How could you give up, you have so many to construct with & you have so many to tramp

Your legs, you waits, your beliefs and everything who went together with you in this long walk

While the sound of freedom was dancing at a very distant & you were rumbling in so many swamp

How could you just give up, it’s not just about you?

 

Have you forgot the days you were drunk like a shrunk, discarded all companies & flowed in own waves

Have you forgot the long drives & walks made, only feeling the taps of your feet & sounds of your breath

See the walls of your room, the words you marked when you were just left with words & nothing else

Turn your diaries, see the poems ascended & descended with your illusive raptures & resentments

Turn the books you read, follow the pencils & color marks, where your senses paralleled with lines

And open the jars where you collected small items, key rings & anything that you felt like keeping

How could you give up, you have so many to live with & give your emotions to.

Your walls, words, your poems, your small collections everything that gave you subtle moments of bliss

While your senses was fighting to free your feeling from state of dystopia & some lights were flickering

How could you give up, you have so many other than humans around you.

By: Umesh Nepal 

copyright @     theumeshnepal@gmail.com

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Suddenly Morning Without Current

कुलमान हटाउन पाइदैन , जनता मार्न पाइदैन

Rubbed my eyes and came out of warm blanket

heater was off & the cold water, that’s is not what i have wanted

Been months i haven’t checked out the wifi signal on top

cause  power never went down & wifi was on place superb

Metallica was not there neither Narayan Gopal songs  to fill my morning

Youtube was dead with written no connection at the bottom hanging

Opened the door , whole neighborhood shouting,don’t know what got em

with no internet lot of curse came out of my mouth ,fuck system & similar of em

Some of the local leaders, there preparing for picket with hands shiver

As i went near, I could see some words & slogans clear

कुलमान हटाउन पाइदैन , जनता मार्न पाइदैन

  • By Umeshinator @UmeshNpl
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Behind & Beyond My Smile

Behind & Beyond My Smile 

Sometime when my wheel of cognition wants to go on halt

And then the feeling of my frame and its deception amuses me

I think of the world and try to picture souls like myself

Do they think like me in the moment of agony and illusions?

Questions that crosses my mind and veins like avalanches of lava’s

In the rush of deceiving and giving console for falsehood I have forgotten

World will ever know or not but sometime I forget what’s behind my smile?

 

The day that start with belief, flutters with memories and things that happened

End of the day, I gather my belongings and start resurgence at least for next day

With the walk of life, people & thoughts come and go like gloomy day sun

My dreams are old, it’s like listening to psyches about their feelings on

I don’t share my visions, because I don’t believe anyone and their contents

My bad attitude on preservation of my values Goosebumps me sometime

It give me at least some concrete, World will never know what’s beyond my smile?

 

— Umeshinator —

 

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First Travel Blog..Not Just About Traveling ..

traveller

What is travelling to me?

Been travelling for a while now. I have some attitude regarding travelling and that makes me an avid traveler. Traveling is not only about going a distance carrying a rug sack , for me going anywhere , to the next alley ,next Gully ,next settlement and anywhere I feel like going, sometime a very distance and sometime just some minutes or an hour . I sometime revisit different places I lived once in my life. Last Thursday I visited Ghattekulo, Maitidevi, where I lived for some months renting a small flat in 2006 at a different circumstance of my life. To fresh my senses and to live 2006 after 6 in the evening I strolled and reached Ghattekulo. Since then, lot of structural change have occurred in the tole but the yellow four storied house still remained the same, still in the same color. Most of cement scraps are out and it looked like an old tree standing, without any word and screams. I stopped for a while at the store nearby , the store owners were same and their son has grown old now with a most stylish hair style in town , little pony tail on top and rest trimmed. In 2006, he used to be the shyest child around. I wanted to talk but I can see clearly in their eyes that I am yet another pedestrian and they don’t know me whatsoever.  I bought a coke, sat down on the rope chair ( Muda ) and turned my head around for a while . The evening was slowly growing into sepia, I wanted to visit the house and see around but thought that it would not be a good idea to step inside, in the situation where no one knows me in the present day and I might get in trouble. And in 2006 I didn’t made any acquaintances with the families that used to live there. As I was living in the ground floor, washing clothes in Nepali Fashion during weekends, the house makers living in first and second floor used to chortle and pass remark “This brother doesn’t even know, how to wash clothes.” I use to turn my head up and reply them that “I am not use to with washing, but I’ll learn” smile and go on with my rough style, that’s the best communication I made there. I sat there for a while, different faces that use to be in that Tole in 2006 were passing by , I could recognize them , time has transfigured them but they were the same person . Nobody paid attention to me cause , I have changed a lot and there is no way they could recognize me cause as I said before I didn’t made any proper acquaintance with anybody .When I look back to pictures of 2006 ,it gives me some kind of nostalgia or some kind of abstract notion . The 45 minutes I spent sitting on the store porch is same like my long treks. My mind don’t find a bias between the dusty roads of Ghattekulo and the serene mountain tops or a dense mountain forest. When you are a traveler everything that comes with your time laps in amazing and equally satisfying.

 

Why Travelogue ?

I do write poems, short stories, some articles but have never wrote anything about travelling and what you people are reading now is my first travel blog (Lucky People Bling !! Bling!! ). What I have realized is writing about you travels in the best way to remind or revitalize the wonderful moments that you have lived once. Because the best, very elegant HD memories remains in mind and nothing, completely nothing of modern day image materials like photos or videos in camcorders can match with what’s in your head. Last year, while I was enjoying my holidays in Pokhara, I met this amazing lad Madison from Colorado, USA at the hostel I was staying. We got along very quick, the things that bridged us was the taste of music we had in common & our interest in philosophy. Madison finished his undergrad school and took couple of thousand loan and headed Nepal with nothing, no phone, no camera, no rug sack just an extra pair of T-shirt and shocks. All he said was “all the wonderful memories in High Definition will remain in mind for ever, cameras can get lost, and PC might crash.”

His words and his sense of traveling still lingers in my mind and his company is still unforgettable. He mailed me from Everest Base camp, Gokyo Lake and I mailed him back, wishing best for his travel endeavor. He said, when he will get back he will be working night and day to pay his education loans and it will be hard. It’s been sometime I have not heard from him and I’m too much into my life and its pangs and toils I have not ringed him. May be I will after finishing this write up. My friend Madison is one of many representational character in my life, there are many people like him who in short solid moment, taught me so many things about life , colors of life and colors we give to life.

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Vodka Diaries + Method

When I travel I want to get in the scene or in my personal phrase “method travelling” something like “method acting” Daniel Day Lewis would be an ideal example of that ( stated cause he is my favorite  😛 ). Once I was making a trip to India ,resigning from office , withdrawing what I have saved. I choose to visit Banaras being little spiritual and to see the life of Sadhus. I planned my trip vis Nepal westerns plains through Bhairahawa ,Sunauli border , then took a night bus from Kalanki to Narayangarh , which was the best possible I could get in the festive season. The mini bus was massive packed but with little knack with the bus helper I managed a sit at the last. Which was some similar to mini roller coaster ride, bouncing and giving pain to my bums. I got off at Narayangarh around 8:00 Pm and with the bumpy ride and empty belly I was in no condition to make a rush hush hush and get a seat into another bus that might be arriving from Kathmandu ,which would take me to Butwal. I had never went around Narayangarh as it was only a VIA station, so without caring about bus much I went around the city. The city was shining in the sparkling electric lights and my empty belly directed my slaphappy mind and my eyes saw this flashing board “Thakali Bhancha Ghar”.  I ordered rice with goat curry and fish and before that a quarter of Vodka for my Bums actually cause with the bumpy ride I was in no condition to sit.Had a wonderful meal there I still remember the Kitchen cook with lot of tattoos in his body, with dreadlock hair in Rasta fashion who later sat on the next table and was drinking some Red Label (must be the owner himself but he was not way a Thakali  😛 ) . I could not finish the quarter as the rice came little early, so I bottled the rest half quarter and put inside my rug sack. After much await I finally managed to stop a bus which would take me to Butwal but I had to stand as all the seats and isle were full with the final destination travelers to Achham , Mid-Western Nepal . Since I had to catch the train next day from Gorakhpur and the night was growing heavy I decided to do yet another adventure and as said above “Method Travelling”. I stood catching the bar right by side of the bus door for a while but with the night bus speed and , u-turned roads I thought going to the top ( Chhat) would be a good idea as I could sleep there too and talk with other fellow “ Chhat Basindas “ . At the next spot I carried my bag and went to Chhat there were couple of other lads, talking about girls and shouting and enjoying in their own ways. I snuggled myself into the lower corner and made my rug sack a pillow.  With little rain drops and cold air, it was little colder on top , now you can imagine what a wise man would do “Break the Diamond when necessary” . No price for guessing I still had half quarter of vodka left. As I produced my Vodka and was mixing with water , this amazing man came up singing ” Raijuma Jhuma Kyamas Kyani Ho Raijuma “( very famous folk son of the far-west) in a very proper far-western accent .

As he came near, he was no other than bus conductor. He was a mid-aged man with thick mustache and gums filled with some tobacco with pungent smell, at-least for non- tobacco chewers. He was man with great aplomb and he also asked me if I need any rugs or blankets to lay down which was a little comfort in such mode of travelling. He was murmuring about coldness and life of conductor to himself, spitting in Nepali fashion and stating “Thukka Jindagi”. I don’t know why but I managed to ask him if he would love some vodka, this was for the first time I was taking alcohol while travelling only because I was a “Chhat Basinda” so I was little uncomfortable . He was little hesitant but when I approached a bit he said “Sir le bhannu huncha bhane Khaideu na ta ek pyaak / if sir says let’s have a peg.” As it was just a half quarter it went empty quick, now this conductor with whom I had some introduction about our names and works was coming into mood. After a little while he asked driver to stop on the highway Bhatti and the quickly brought some , daal mooth,couple of plastic glass & a full bottle vodka . He said “ Mukh Jiskaidinu bho sir le, aba ta kaha maan mancha ra / Now with little taste of liquor on my tongue, I got to have some more ”. Though I was not a massive drinker, I said no at first but little later as I said before “Method Travelling” , I said ok , now the other two lads also joined, on the windy night with little water breeze travelling in high speed and on top, sitting on the “Chhat ”. Then , after some pegs we in Nepal need music  and no matter how much of Pink Floyd Fan you are , no matter how much Radio Gaga and Bohemian Rhapsody plays in your speaker, Paan ko paat , Resham Firiri, Rato Rani Phule Jhai Sanjha are the songs which we massively love to sing out loud . Though it was my first time in such a cocktail party with guys from mid-western and far-westerns villages I asked them if they could sing some local tunes and if I could record them, they agreed and then we were drinking and singing every folk Nepali song that came to our mind. Cracking jokes and to know about their village life, their girlfriends was another part of that fantastic traveling.

I closed my eyes and thanked to my father, who always held remote controller and child locked television on Thursday in our school days to listen to folk Nepali music show, because of which I was able to crack some Nepali folk songs. Mr. Conductor bought another 1 bottle on the way and we didn’t cared the night we were just drinking, singing and talking about lives. During the course, what we came to know was shocking, yet much laughable and amazing, the mid-aged conductor was actually the owner of the bus service and the driver was his older son and the helper was his nephew and he runs 3 buses in different route of Nepal. I don’t know at what time I slept cause that much vodka was too much for me when I reached Butwal it was around 4:00 am in the morning. I was the only one who stopped and dropped to Butwal other fellow passengers still had a long way to go. We “Chhat Basindas” & “Daru Partners “shared phone numbers and Facebook addresses too. Mr. K.B, the owner gave me invitation to visit his house in the far-west with all proper location and map of his house and he said “Pakka Auauna parchha hai Sir/You have to come for sure sir”. No matter how many times I told him not to call me sir, it all went in vein, he called me sir throughout the journey.  It’s been couple of years now and I haven’t managed to visit KB’s house, maybe someday I will for sure. All that epic and awesome travel is still fresh in my mind in very, just like yesterday.

 

More on my travel diaries in coming days. Next would be about my India trip. Don’t forget to smile 😀

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Apologize

wiu4jt
Apologize – Dedicated to all who want to live again # say no to drugs

 

Mom I want to Apologize for my deeds, I did lot of wrongs
Mom I plea, you come forward and catch my hand
I am about to fall from the cliff, I just want you to pull me, pull my hand
I didn’t knew the trails I trailed was destiny or wicked
I kept walking with bloods in my foot, following a sound
Sometime I found traveler with illusions like me and sometime was all alone
I walked all those sunny days of my life, walked in night, walked in dawn.
Mom I was mis-leaded please lead me again, I want to walk again .

 

I was a sinner to bring tear in your eyes
I was villain who burnt your dreams and desires
I was a psycho, who laughed when you were struggling to live
But I have woke up now from long sleep and bad dream
Please catch my hand and walk me to home.
Mom I am hungry, hadn’t had good taste in my mouth for sometime now
Please take me to kitchen and give me some cookies you made.

 

Mom , with illusions covering my senses I was in dark,dark all those years
Please lit a candle for me an look into my eyes
Mom please speak, I am back just to put some smiles
I slept rugged with,rheum all day in my eyes , with no shade
Mom, Please take me to the porch , I want to sleep in your arms
In the frenzy of disbelief and phantasm I became a phantom who tortured innocents
Now I have dropped my guns and confessed my sins
I am bare handed and I am trying to be the same guy I was before

 

People say People like me don’t have right to live
Mom,I don’t want to believe them, Do you think they are right?
Please speak for me mom, Am I not your son ?
Mom , I want to smell the roses in our garden,
open the kitchen door and take me there.
Mom, I want to run again, want to win the game again.
Please take me to the beach and run with me
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